The "List"

Ignore everything I have just said. Try and be happy when you have a cold all weekend and two babies who, no matter how many times you explain, still keep crying. Although Claire has borne the brunt of the work this weekend, it has been a trying time. I have been feeling like the inside of a hiker’s shoe, and my nose has been running like a sewage pipe into the sea. I’ve been drinking Lemsip as if I were partaking in a perverse drinking competition, where beer was substituted by over-the-counter medicines. Happiness is a place that I visited once on holiday a few years ago, and I can vaguely remember it by the sunburn that I had there.

Anyway, I have bought my ticket to return there, so fear not, your hero will not disappoint you and become a grumpy old man in front of your very eyes.

The house situation is hotting up. We are putting in an offer for the Cross Lane property and waiting on two offers to come in for ours. We went back to Cross Lane this weekend, even due to the fact that in the war they would have left me to fend for myself. It is definitely our future house, there are loads of things to change but at the end of it we will have our house. So it will be worth it.

I also hope that someone will offer a figure for our house soon, as the constant cleaning up to show-home standard is really hard in between feeding times. People keep commenting on how clean we keep it even though we have twins. Yeah, right!!

Now we get to the real crux of today’s entry. The universal “List” that couples have that gives them immunity to any extra-marital relations. Let me explain the rules of the “List”. 1) There must be only one, or a select few, people on it. 2) If any chance comes up with yourself and that person then you have an All Access pass. Examples of the type of people that would be on these lists are the likes of Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, David Beckham, Kylie Minogue, etc.

As most couples, Claire and I have a “List”. My list is very civilised, with one person on it, that being Cat Deeley. Cat and I go along way back, and she has always been the one for me. Now I will try to remember all of the names that are on Claire’s “List” currently.

· Jon Bon Jovi (Aging Middle-of-the-Road Rocker)
· Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen (Gay Decorator)
· Diarmuid the Gardener (Gay Gardener)
· Dermot O’Leary (God Loving Big Brother Presenter)
· Kevin McLeod (Nice tweed professor type Grand Designs presenter)

As you’ll agree, there is trend of gay (or in the closet) designers mainly. This does nothing for my self-esteem, as a straight man that is bored with interior design. Also, the clear disregard for the rules, it appears as though it is open season on Claire’s list with half of the males on TV at one point making an appearance. However, I have lived with this truth for nearly ten years and attempted to move my life on despite it. But now there has been a new addition that has shocked my world to the point where I do not know if I will ever bounce back from it.

Jeremy Kyle has been added to the “List”. Jeremy Kyle. JEREMY KYLE.

There has to be a line drawn somewhere. I am not going to explain the obvious deficit of benefits that Kyle has, and the clear challenges that he has in every day life with his face. But suffice it to say that if Kyle is getting a mention, then soon she’ll be having the bloke at the newsagents on it.

I have lodged an appeal with the Universal “List” Board and they are taking this matter very seriously. I feel as though my chance of a better life with Deeley (sort of rhymes with Holley, by the way) has been ruined by this obvious abuse of the system, the accepted code that we all live by, the fabric of our very society.

I am shocked to the very core, and I hope that one day I am not writing to inform you all of the inevitable news that Claire has left me for the guy over the road with his handy toolbox, just because he was on the “list”.